I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”