3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”