The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
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I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Festive toon…
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick