Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
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I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.