GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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Hotels are back
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
house sitting!
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again