My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.