I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
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If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My time has come.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON