Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
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*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.