People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
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Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it