An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?