Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Best mom ever 😂
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.