Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
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Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.