Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son