For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Thursday Thought.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope