There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
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Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school