My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
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Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant