So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.