The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Good morning y’all ☀️
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man