Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
You Might Also Like
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Baller is short for ballerina
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: