boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
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Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy