“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.