Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…