Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
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who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness