I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
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I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away