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5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
normalize having existential bread
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///