How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’