I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
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If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here