waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Spotted in New Orleans.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.