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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Haha good job!!
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult