Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.