Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Brilliant!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety