got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
HR said no more nunchucks.
#Caturday
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.