If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)