Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*