If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
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Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Only a mother’s love …
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.