my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
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[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
just pretend nothing happened
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.