*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
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Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
The three genders
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫