“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
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Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
This tweet has been deleted
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
me when the borders lift
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Not today.. 😂
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.