Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
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The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
They did not think through this water fountain