[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK