What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
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Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Respect
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school