“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.