Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
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Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.