Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[shakes fist at other fist]
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I think I’m having a stroke
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Before & after 😅
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”