I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
handsome & gretel
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.