My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
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his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start