I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
favorite tropes as memes
What about second breakfast?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.