me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
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People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.