Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
You Might Also Like
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
i love meeting boys on tinder
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Saving my good tweets for marriage
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.