Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
#parenting
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors